Cancer/ Sat-Chit-Ananda

[Steve]

In less than 48 hours I will have surgery to remove a malignant tumor (the size of a golf ball, at least). The good news is they have not found anything else. The bad news is 6-8 weeks of radiation and the effects of that on my mouth. At least I have good insurance and plenty of sick leave.

Through all of this (and my torn retina in Nov)the dwelling in Being still continues as best it can. It has brought some things of interest: The intuiton of celestial singing, some odd perceptions of the ego, and a short lived experience that may be termed satchitananada. Neither the odd perception of the ego nor the sense of satchitananda can be described here with any fluency; nor could I explain why I felt this was an experience of satchitananda. I checked the definitions, but this was of no help. I call it this because it feels right and for no other reason.

Many thanks to Brahma/Blake for keeping this forum alive.
May all live in happiness and peace.

s.

[insanecoder101]

Not much going on in this forum besides You and I.. who art Thou.. and who art I?

Still stuck on that good new bad news duality stuff I see ..

I intuit it is slow surrender you are experiencing.
The important thing is to maintain high positive feelings through it all.
Talk to that cancer and tell it to go away.. it really doesnt exist anyway!


Best

[Blake]

Hi Steve,

I am sorry to hear about your tumor / surgery. I send prayers and blessings out to you.

I guess you can say I have kept this forum alive, but I have been caught up into my own life so much in the last year or so that I have given little energy to online projects. Much of the sort of things that are of interest to those reading this forum has been happening in my life, but I haven't been online sharing any of it.

Thank you, Steve, for maintaining your focus in making posts here. I really feel that it is you who has kept this forum alive over this time. Best wishes and blessings to you!

Brahma

[Steve]

I cannot tell you the joy I have seeing both of you here!

Brahma, I have been worrying quite a bit about you. I hope you are doing well. I know how difficult this has been. I am with you always.

Ric, my dear, dear friend. Won't you even cut a direly ill old man some slack?
But of course you are right!

It has been quite an eventful few weeks. Right now I look like a wino with a tube sticking out from his neck. It has been interesting on several levels, but I have too much drugs flowing right now to go into observations.

Suffice it to say that I am tickled to have the oppertunity to speak to my favorite people. Few have the guts and determination of you two. Everyone says they want freedom, but of all those who I know, only you are fearless enough for this evolution. You are the measure all men should be judged from.

There is a lot more to come (treatment wise), but it seems the universe wishes to keep me around for awhile longer. I am content either way. If I can serve some purpose, so much the better.

My love and best wishes to you both.
s

[insanecoder101]

Dear friend, you are no direly ill old man.. see past that.
No praises neither, I feel undeserving esp coming from you and don't want to feed any ego.
I will try and send some loving healing intent to the address labeled Steve. There is still purpose for you.. your purpose is not to serve the universe.. but to recognize awaken and BE as the divine in every which way possible. The universe exists not without you.

[Steve]

Did I mention I am on some really good drugs?
Pain bad, hydrocodone good.
Anyway, thus my being a little over sentimental. I certainly don't want to come across as needy. A friend came to sit with my wife during the surgery and counted 11 people with her (maybe says more about her than me), but I have a fine support system.

What I said was true though; it takes big balls for the catepillar to enter that unknown space.
As to the ego, that hungry old ghost, I would not worry about over inflation. Quite the opposite. Like an actor that loves his role, I would ham it up. Overact. I see no reason not to. This whole business is just to see it for what it is: a transient poor reflection of the divine. It is really not a concern at all.

Purpose -that's a different story. What to do when there is no doer? Things now are of utter simplicity. There are obligations of course, but there is nothing needed or wanted. No bucket list, no apology, no stress.

I'm still in a bit of a haze, but do want to write more later. The drain is still flowing so a few more days in Frankenstein mode. s.

[insanecoder101]

Quik trip to the other side..
get yer doc to prescribe ya some LSD.
Not serious of course.. course I no longer believe in right or wrong either so I wouldnt knock anyone who did.
Drugs aside, looks like the old Steve is back.
Blasted ya with some hot healing laser cannons overnight .. not sure if it helped but it certainly couldnt hurt (in theory)

[Steve]

Thank you. All hot laser cannons and good vibes are gratefully accepted.
As to the other side: Knowing that I would be out for 3-4 hours I wanted to be sure and notice the first thing I observed upon awakening. Of course the bastards don't tell you when they put you under. They are pretty sneaky about it. But I did what I wanted and the first thing was a mental image of a cube. It was large, solid and may have been made of gray blocks. It felt like 'physicalness' to coin a new word. I have no idea about the symbolism other than to me it denoted -physical nature, if you will.

Later I would speak to the mental nature of being told I had cancer and the real possibility of only having a few months left. It was surprizingly noneventfull for the most part. None of that stages stuff.

Now though I would speak to the variety of experiences, particularly 'intuition'. I think the common use of that term describes blind hunches. In this venue, my observations of intuition are quite a bit different. Mental images are part of the minds environment and then there are visions. Visions are distinct from mental images in that they are hi-def, longer and come out of the blue. When I speak of intuition I refer to an experience that has features of both the above. Like visions it has no known reference, comes unexpected.It is a knowing, but a knowing that tries to take a mental image form. I say 'tries' because the images are poor in quality compared to visions or a willed mental image.

I don't know if you can relate to this. I find it interesting and haven't seen this experience discussed before.

Time for a little yellow pill. I guess I could speak about back in the day and little orange barrel pills.

s.

[insanecoder101]

Well at least those bastards' intents are good.
Grasping reality beyond this reality, how can one lament for long? We come and go as certainty. I suppose we lament the missed opportunities had we been more awake or fearless or loving.
Regarding visions/intuition
Interesting how, at least in my experience, visions use imagery which makes sense metaphorically from my own visual experiences. Whereas intuition comes with a knowing that is out of any bounds of any senses I've experiences normally.

[Steve]

Regarding visions/intuition
Interesting how, at least in my experience, visions use imagery which makes sense metaphorically from my own visual experiences. Whereas intuition comes with a knowing that is out of any bounds of any senses I've experiences normally.

Yes, you have framed this much better. I suppose my point was more that there seems to be a qualitative difference between intuitions observed in the waking state and those coming out of a samadhi state. In the latter there seems to be an intent to have a visual element, and that visual element is different from the normal mental image or vision. On the former, or waking state intuition, I enjoyed Malcomb Gladwell's (one of your home boys) book BLINK which goes into this.

I'm still in Frankenstein mode at least until Monday which is a drag. Can't putter in my workshop or go to a resturant (would gross everyone out). The hydrocone fogs me so I just feel like a slug. I guess you are the reciever of my self pity today

s.